Pack of Lies

Someone, somewhere, once told me that children are great for your self esteem.

"They just love you! And are so cute and funny and just make you so happy!"

Blah blah blah unconditional love, blah blah blah instant self esteem boost, blah blah blah.

I don't know what crack that person was putting in their students' water, but that is the biggest pack of lies I have ever been fed.

Either that, or I teach a particularly sadistic group of 6-year-olds.

It's a toss up.

For example:

Last week, I wore a sweater with an asymmetrical design. One shoulder is, for lack of a better word, tastefully bedazzled, while the other is plain.

One girl asked me, "Teacha, why is your sweater broken?"

Uh... what?

She thought that because the one shoulder didn't have any sparkles on it, that I had somehow torn all of them off on accident.

I may be clumsy and dumb, but seriously, give me a little credit here.

I explained to her that no, I did not mutilate my sweater, but it's supposed to be that way and is, in fact, cool.

She looked at me disapprovingly and said, "No, Teacha. No cool."

A kindergartener told me I have bad taste in clothes. And the rest of them agreed.

ZING.

Then, earlier this week, two of the students were flirting in their own special kindergartner way. Being the mature "adult" that I am, I decide the appropriate way to handle this is to tease them.

"OoOoOoOoh Monica, do you looooove Ricky? Is he your boyfriend?"

Of course they immediately stop flirting and deny any and all accusations of couplehood, but then the conversation spirals out of control and all of the kids start asking if people are girlfriend/boyfriend with all kinds of things.

"Johnny, you girlfriend is... TRASHYCAN? BAHAHAHAHAHA"

"Tony, you girlfriend is CHAIR?!?! HAHAHAHAHA"

Of course they all think it's hilarious and I'm having trouble deciding if it's hysterical or obnoxious so I just let them run with it.

It only takes about 5 minutes for the conversation to take a questionable turn, when they start asking me if I am dating the whiteboard, marker, waterbottle, etc.

Then one girl gets quiet, and says, "Teacha, do you yes boyfriend?"

Problems with this question:

A) How many times have I taught them how to ask "Do you have ________"?

B) How many more times will I have to teach them before they remember?

C) I had to answer, "No, I do not have a boyfriend."

All of the kids immediately stop giggling to look at me in shock.

"Teacha, why you no boyfriend?"

...................... seriously?

"I don't know, Monica, sometimes people don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and that's okay."

...Right?

"But Teacha, you are so beautiful! Why you no boyfriend?" "You no want boyfriend?" "Why you no want boyfriend?"

This is just getting cruel.

But then the kicker:

"Teacha, Kelli Teacha always has boyfriend. She has many many boyfriends. Why you no?"

Then everyone got a bad point and we did 3 extra phonics worksheets.

Moral of the story is: kids only rarely make you feel good about yourself. Then they'll inadvertently do something horrible and crush your hopes and dreams.

Oh yeah, and happy Thanksgiving!

More Caffeine, Please!

... But really.

I think I may have a problem.

When I first got here, I started drinking a variety of caffeinated beverages, mostly of the iced coffee variety. Partially because it was just so hot, but also because I was jet lagged out of my mind and kindergartners are hyper little monsters.

By the time the weather became more manageable and I had adjusted to the time schedule (the kids are still lunatics, unfortunately), I tried to wean myself from the near-constant trip of caffeine.

Without success.

And it's been a steady increase in my caffeine intake from there. It's like I've developed a tolerance. Whereas before, one cup of iced coffee would have me jittery and hyper for hours, now... Let's just say the iced Starbucks double shot of espresso drinks are a regular indulgence.

But seriously.

I started to get concerned when one of my kids asked "Teacha, why every day you eat coffee?"

My first problem was of course that she forgot the difference between eating and drinking, but then I realized:

I drink at least one cup of coffee every day.

Before work.

Then one at work, during kindergarten.

And in the relatively unlikely event I don't take a nap during the mid-day break, a Coke Zero or some other caffeinated soft drink.

Then a cup of black tea or coffee in the afternoon.

Ruh roh?

I guess this is the part where I don't mention the energy drinks every Friday night.

And no, I can't figure out how to make this not be upside-down. 

Sorry 'bout it.

So I decided to do my due diligence and look up on Wikipedia how much caffeine it takes to kill someone.

The great news is that if I manage to drink less than 50 cups of coffee in half an hour, I'm in the clear.

Plus, this graphic has basically convinced me that mainlining caffeine is not only socially appropriate, but healthy!

Thank God for the internet.

How to NOT Deal With a Blood Geyser in Class

So today I had my first medical scare with one of the kids.

And of course it was in Jellyfish class, where once they start crying any and all ability to speak English goes out the window.

So today:

We're in the classroom-- All 8 kids are sitting relatively quietly while I have my back turned, writing on the board when all of a sudden they all just start screaming.

SCREAMING.

Like, bloodthirsty, gun-toting-zombie-vampire-is-in-the-classroom screaming.

I immediately turn around and see Andy, one of the cutest little round-faced munchkins ever, just freely bleeding all over the desk, his hands, and his face.

Every other child is on their feet screaming and poor Andy is just sobbing and gushing blood.

I run over, push some of the kids away and tell one to get the tissues, and try to figure out what artery has burst to create this blood GEYSER on his FACE.

What I thought I was dealing with

Turns out it was just a really dramatic nosebleed, but seriously.

WHAT THE HECK.

I think I missed the day in Being an Adult School where they teach you not to totally lose your $#!+ when a kid gets hurt, because I was totally freaking out.

Luckily I had the presence of mind to make everyone sit down and stop screaming, and hold tissues to Andy's face while someone went and got the Angel Teacher (Korean classroom helper).

That woman must have a PhD in staying calm because she swooped in and made him stop crying and cleaned him and the desk up before I even knew she was back.

Moral of the story is: it is probably inappropriate to scream "Oh my God, [insert child's name here]!!!!" in front of a bunch of hysterically screaming kindergarteners unless you're sure that his head has, in fact, exploded.

My bad.

Game of Thrones Reference, LOVE IT!

Every other week, the kindergarten classes practice for phone conversation. Basically, the we call the kids and ask them totally scripted questions so the parents are impressed at how well they're "learning".

I, of course, think this is a great way to learn.

.....Ahem.

I digress.

Jellyfish class and I were practicing for this week's conversation, and it got super Game of Thrones-y really quick.

Q: "What season comes after fall?"

A: "Winter is coming."

The Stark family would've been proud.

P.S. The new season cannot start soon enough.

P.P.S.S. The woman who played Anne Boleyn in The Tudors is going to play Margarery Tyrell. OF COURSE.

P.P.P.S.S.S. Sorry I have no shame in loving historical soap operas.

Mock Trial Skills Really DO Come In Handy

Good news: all of the sleepless nights and chewed-to-the-bone fingernails and stress-induced migraines from 4 years of mock trial were not spent in vain.

I actually used some of my mock SKILLZ at work.

Of course, not at any sort of work related in any way to the law, but I'll take what I can get.

There was a big meeting for prospective parents, and King Teacher wanted to make a video of some of the American teachers talking about how awesome EOS is.

Guess who got picked?

Of course.

So I have to write a one-minute thing about how the English Only System is the coolest, etc etc. No problem.

I have to memorize it.

Memorize a one minute speech? Before breakfast.

Deliver it to a camcorder in an otherwise empty room?

I really wish I could say that was the first time I've done something like that.

So I do the whole thing in three takes, and King Teacher is just astounded.

For the record, the other teacher who had to do the same thing took over ten tries.

Just sayin.

Mock trial representttt

SO Behind

So... Sorry I haven't updated in over a month? I'd love to have a legitimate reason or at least a semi-snarky way to deflect the fact that I've been completely negligent.... But no.

Sorry.

Anyways, the good news is I'm back in business.

Let's start with a health update. I am now fully recovered from what I am calling the Tony Plague (a close relative of the Schneck Plague and the Viv Gaddis Flu).

Remember how he sneezed in my face? Turns out that kid is an extremely efficient transmitter of pathogens because I was not super far from death's door.

Also, in related news, I have a new best friend: the neti pot.

Sorry to be gross, but it's true.

This nasty disease of course coincided with me running out of asthma medication. If you were wondering, viruses and asthma do not mix.

SO. I go to the doctor with one of my coworkers, a Korean man who is supposed to act as a sort of translator. An issue with the medication comes up and the translation gets really weird, so it ends up that we call another -bilingual- coworker and passing the phone between me and the doctor.

Since I'm out of my medicine and have a ridiculous head/chest cold, I basically can't breathe at ALL so they hook me up to this crazy albuterol vaporizer next to a zitty 13-year-old boy playing on his gameboy.

Nothing makes you feel cooler than asthma.... Whomp whomp.

Anyways, the albuterol's side effect is shaking hands. But when you basically mainline the stuff for 15 minutes like I did, I looked like I had Parkinson's. Struggle. And of course I had to teach another class right after that.

Of course.

So the next day, I go into class and am just coughing up a storm. One of the girls gets a really concerned look on her face and says, "TEACHA! Are you going to die?"

Uh... what?

She goes on to explain, "My grandfather, he cough like you, and he cough and sick and cough and you too cough and sick and he die! Teacha die too?!"

Oof.

Then I had to deal with 7 terrified kindergarteners AND the cough.

Thanks, Tony. Thanks.