Amandarella

Every year, King and Queen Teacher give the American teachers the "opportunity" to showcase our and our classes' musical and dramatic "talents".

Greaaaaaaaat.

Dolphin class has been assigned Cinderella as our class play.

Guess who is Cinderella?

One of the ridiculously cute Asian babies?

Already in costume-- I'm just sayin'.

Oh, no.

Of course not.

It's me.

Ruh roh.

And the months we've spent preparing for this debacle have led to the creation of the following list.

Reasons why it is excruciatingly awkward for me to be Cinderella:

1. The slipper.

Two of the students are playing the mean step-sisters, and they have to say that the shoe is "too small". At one point, the prince even shouts: "Stop! Your fat foot is going to break the slipper!"

Honestly it's just preposterous for me to wait in line after these munchkins trying on a shoe that is "too small" and then for me to be like "WOW great fit! !*~LOLZ~*!"

I am easily a foot and a half taller than all of them and their feet COMBINED would maybe make half of mine. And I don't even have especially big feet, as far as white people go.

2. The girls all actually want to be Cinderella.

And they ask me every time we practice.

"Teacha! Why me is no Cinderella?"

Guh.

The original response was that Cinderella had too many lines, and only I, the native English speaker, could reasonably be expected to do it all.

A) Rude. No thank you. I don't want to do anything in this play, much less the biggest part.

B) That turned out to be somewhat less than true once the script was actually written.

C) The girls sat down at recess one day and counted the lines in the play and informed me that I was wrong.

D) I felt like a total jerk when I told them we couldn't switch. Believe me, I wanted to, but of course Queen Teacher is just tickled pink by the prospect of a white, blonde-ish Cinderella.

3. Prince Charming is 7 years old.

Seriously, it's creepy.

There are all these lines about how we are each others' true loves, and he has to propose, and I have to say yes, and then we get married.... 

Oh, and the entire class sings "A Whole New World" about our love.

(I know it's an Aladdin song, but it's romantic and my favorite so step off)

And as awkward as it is for me (how do you embrace post-proposal without feeling like a pedophile? Suggestions are welcome), it's worse for him as a 7-year-old boy.

Of course the kids are all at the stage where they say "OoOoOoOoooh you is LOOOOOOOOOOOVE _______?" about every 4.3 seconds.

Which can be funny, but when they ask Ricky if he LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES me it gets.... uncomfortable.  

4. The kids all think it's really funny to treat me like Cinderella.

They'll throw a paper on the ground and then shout "Amandarellaaaaaa! Get off your lazy behind and pick up that paper!"

Or: "Amandarellaaaaa!! I want more water! Why are you so lazy?!" 

I don't even have the energy to comment on how ridiculous this is.

--End of list--

Anyways, the musical is generally a disaster, and of course the actual production is allegedly taking place next month. 

And no, under no circumstances will a video of the musical be made available to ANYONE. 

Ever. 

One of my students hates the musical so much I have to physically drag him into the room where we practice and threaten him with the harshest punishments I can think of to make him stop crying enough to say his lines.

If anyone else has this problem, telling him you'll throw him out the window and then actually opening the window should do the trick.

I'm not suuuuper proud of my behavior, but it worked like a charm.

This same student last week refused to do any other work because he wanted to work on the musical so much.

........I honestly wish I was making this up for dramatic effect. 

We also have to learn three songs and accompanying dances, as if an entire PLAY wasn't enough.

Did I mention that I will be the only one in costume? 

Oooooooooooof course.