Pack of Lies

Someone, somewhere, once told me that children are great for your self esteem.

"They just love you! And are so cute and funny and just make you so happy!"

Blah blah blah unconditional love, blah blah blah instant self esteem boost, blah blah blah.

I don't know what crack that person was putting in their students' water, but that is the biggest pack of lies I have ever been fed.

Either that, or I teach a particularly sadistic group of 6-year-olds.

It's a toss up.

For example:

Last week, I wore a sweater with an asymmetrical design. One shoulder is, for lack of a better word, tastefully bedazzled, while the other is plain.

One girl asked me, "Teacha, why is your sweater broken?"

Uh... what?

She thought that because the one shoulder didn't have any sparkles on it, that I had somehow torn all of them off on accident.

I may be clumsy and dumb, but seriously, give me a little credit here.

I explained to her that no, I did not mutilate my sweater, but it's supposed to be that way and is, in fact, cool.

She looked at me disapprovingly and said, "No, Teacha. No cool."

A kindergartener told me I have bad taste in clothes. And the rest of them agreed.

ZING.

Then, earlier this week, two of the students were flirting in their own special kindergartner way. Being the mature "adult" that I am, I decide the appropriate way to handle this is to tease them.

"OoOoOoOoh Monica, do you looooove Ricky? Is he your boyfriend?"

Of course they immediately stop flirting and deny any and all accusations of couplehood, but then the conversation spirals out of control and all of the kids start asking if people are girlfriend/boyfriend with all kinds of things.

"Johnny, you girlfriend is... TRASHYCAN? BAHAHAHAHAHA"

"Tony, you girlfriend is CHAIR?!?! HAHAHAHAHA"

Of course they all think it's hilarious and I'm having trouble deciding if it's hysterical or obnoxious so I just let them run with it.

It only takes about 5 minutes for the conversation to take a questionable turn, when they start asking me if I am dating the whiteboard, marker, waterbottle, etc.

Then one girl gets quiet, and says, "Teacha, do you yes boyfriend?"

Problems with this question:

A) How many times have I taught them how to ask "Do you have ________"?

B) How many more times will I have to teach them before they remember?

C) I had to answer, "No, I do not have a boyfriend."

All of the kids immediately stop giggling to look at me in shock.

"Teacha, why you no boyfriend?"

...................... seriously?

"I don't know, Monica, sometimes people don't have a girlfriend or boyfriend, and that's okay."

...Right?

"But Teacha, you are so beautiful! Why you no boyfriend?" "You no want boyfriend?" "Why you no want boyfriend?"

This is just getting cruel.

But then the kicker:

"Teacha, Kelli Teacha always has boyfriend. She has many many boyfriends. Why you no?"

Then everyone got a bad point and we did 3 extra phonics worksheets.

Moral of the story is: kids only rarely make you feel good about yourself. Then they'll inadvertently do something horrible and crush your hopes and dreams.

Oh yeah, and happy Thanksgiving!